Figs & Foes, For the Lovers

Happy Together

2011-07-08T17:36:00.004+08:00

To forget or to be forgotten.
Which is more painful?
Everything else will leave me alone except this. this.

2011-07-03T23:34:00.006+08:00

Yes I have a boyfriend, but that doesn't mean you all should have the right to decide that I should lose my social life.
It doesn't make any sense at all.

But truth is, I just simply miss you all.

Good/Gone

2011-06-27T03:25:00.002+08:00

clouded mind and teary-eyed.
ability to think straight completely altered by the vice of emotions.
this is too long.
it's a sign.

I Don't Want Love

2011-06-25T07:08:00.003+08:00

7:09am on a calm saturday morning.
On this bench under this particular tree.
I just got back from your place.

You know, I'm in pain. Shit loads of pain.
Daggers planted into every inch of my skin for all my life.
Probably no skin left for the next one.
Well, come on honey. You can try to push those daggers a little deeper.
You're not the first one I've let down anyway.

Kids

2011-05-29T03:21:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wished that we weren't friends right from the beginning.
Life would probably hurt less.

---

2011-05-05T23:28:00.007+08:00

I've opened doors.
Many doors.

Nothingness in its most absolute form.
Then I realized I can't close all those doors.

And somehow "finding someone else" is not simply the issue/solution anymore.
Complexity is indeed an understatement///.

(i am a living proof of incoherency. just look at this, then me, then this,then me, then this, then......)

Stability

2011-04-05T02:51:00.002+08:00

I hit the backspace button for the nth time.
There's nothing left to say.

Jack

2011-03-08T16:09:00.004+08:00

I am jack's missing heart.
I am jack's purple sore thumb in the ass.

And all is vile because I am.
Now keep going.

Shelter

2011-02-17T16:01:00.008+08:00

I know nothing about anger, but I know it tears you inside.
I can protect you, if you let me (in).
Even if you think I can't, I will try with all my might.
Because I will be around for a long time.

I'm Y(ours)

2011-02-08T02:37:00.008+08:00

Hang around and I'm paranoid

I can't help but doubt
but I don't know what the people know
I want something to count

just stay where you are
I'm right behind you
stay where you are
if someone's looking
stay where you are
I might not be the one, that's true
but I'm trying, don't you know

Rattle coins in a coffee can
you shut me on and off
turn around, turn around
they're burning hotels down

so stay where you are
I'm right behind you
stay where you are
I'm always looking
stay where you are
I might not be the one, that's true
but I'm trying, don't you know

don't you know
don't you know
don't you know

don't hang on
but don't let go
don't aim high
but don't aim low

Hang around and I'm paranoid
I can't help but doubt
but I don't know what the people know
I want something to count

just stay where you are
I'm right behind you
stay where you are
if someone's looking
stay where you are
I might not be the one, that's true
but I'm trying, don't you know

(love was never an easy thing, but we'll love anyway.)

Red-Eyed

2011-02-01T00:12:00.006+08:00

Awkward tears, strange explanations.
A spite of anger that could burn a man alive.
But a heart so cold like the bloody rain.
Maybe's the rain (again), or the long wait for the bus to get home, or pms.

What's love?
A question I can't be asked anymore.
Who has the answer for that anyway?
I'm just a girl who's in love with being in love.

Dusty Excuses

2011-01-09T03:56:00.004+08:00

Can I lay here forever?
I want to evaporate.
Be part of the air laying above my pores, be part of everything else but this body.
I will never belong.
I want to be the clouds that carries, the rain that falls on all the rotten souls.

///

2011-01-07T11:19:00.008+08:00

Have you ever slept for 7 hours, be awake for the next 6 hours then fall back into slumber for another 12 hours, waking up 4 times in between... and feel like you haven't really slept at all.

Have you ever felt like you have ran out of places to go to seek comfort and inspiration, there was just nowhere to go?

Have you ever felt so desperate that whenever you listen to music, you just start to find any possible trace of inspiration subconsciously, that even your favourite songs just don't mean the same anymore?

Have you ever felt like your brain was constantly feeling that it is gonna fall out from the back of your head any moment, LITERALLY?

Have you ever felt that, as long as your eyes are open your mind just keeps running and yet nothing is accomplished?

Have you ever felt so powerless, and sleep just never meant sleep anymore, dreams just doesn't seem all that dreamy anymore?

Every.single.thing.is.breaking.your.last.zen.

I did.

1.1.11+1

2011-01-03T04:43:00.003+08:00

I carry this love round my collar
Your heart in my (rib)cage
Bruises star-burst shaped, 1-2-3 on the neck
Darkness, lightness, eyelashes.
Black.
Pain/is/pleasure
Soap in your eyes, bubbles in my arms.

And your smell evaporates.
Time.
;eyes closed

2010-12-31T05:55:00.001+08:00

yes sleepppp I need some sleeep I don;t want to look a t this mes s anymore. tired
since whne i said i was okay and was not crying anymore oveer silly thigns SINCE WHENNNNNN
ccccymmbalssssc aaaraaashhhhhhhh ~~~~~~~~ehh bb

Porous

2010-12-06T23:51:00.006+08:00

"He remained annoyed with himself until he realized that not knowing what he wanted was actually quite natural. We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come."

- The Unbearable Lightness of Being

I don't know where have you been. I don't know why are you not speaking to me. I don't know what haven't I been doing right and why. I don't know why I don't get to bathe with a heater in such cold weather. I don't know why am I growing so fat. I don't know why I can't love you enough. I don't know why people are sometimes so pathetic. I don't know why people look at me like I'm pathetic. I don't know why am I so pathetic.

(I've been socially awkward...lately.)

Friends Forever

2010-11-08T01:30:00.004+08:00

This might be the hardest part for you, but I know you'll pull through.
Because you have all these love you need to do this.
Just remember, be safe.

2010-11-07T01:03:00.002+08:00

Sky Fell Over Me

2010-10-30T21:58:00.002+08:00

Everything's wrong, everything's right.
The lefts are rights.
The rights are lefts.
The ups are downs.
The downs are up.

"Oh the remedy, the remedy ~~~~"

I am the fucked up one and I don't have the courage to face myself.

No One's Gonna Love You

2010-10-30T01:08:00.001+08:00

Somewhere Only We Know

2010-10-04T02:51:00.003+08:00

You.
You made me felt like I was significant, that I was beautiful.
I didn't have to hide anything from you.
I could tear myself apart time and time again, yet you always just try so hard to put the pieces back for me though I beg you not to. Because I am so afraid all is too good to be true.

Sometimes I really think you saved my life.
And I love you.

World Spins Madly On

2010-09-29T12:04:00.000+08:00

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

Atrophy

2010-09-28T02:52:00.009+08:00

Feeling naked like suicide - skins, bones, flesh.
Blood runs deep and black it clots at places it shouldn't be found at.
Eyes peeled to the ceilings as it descends to touch the winter-like tips of my fingers.
Why such utterance of platitudes as if the moon is up hanging in my bedroom, when I can only watch nothing but air collide? Should I silently beg for my being to be swallowed into this illuminated wasteland instead?
Then my jaded soul would be a mishap to existence no more.

Prozac

2010-09-25T10:44:00.008+08:00

Cigarette touching these cracked lips.
Stained teeth, check.
Yellow fingers, check.
Heavy lungs, check.
Losing sleep, check.
Mind lost, check.

The vile articulation.
Am I a liar?
Heart strung so high, dried like a red date. Sweet yet it coagulates.
And I think I am an ugly gap that will find no safe house.
But it's okay, the humanity is all a fiction anyway.

Crave You

2010-09-20T13:52:00.003+08:00

You got my heart in a silver cage, and it's true I crave you.

So be back soon, right here under the sheets together with me.

Birthday happy?

2010-09-03T01:19:00.005+08:00

I wonder if i lived these 19 years in vain.
3 cheers/ 11 claps for living in doubt.

Eulogies

2010-08-29T18:10:00.006+08:00

I feel coiled, and a little shelved.
I want to feel dead.
Those debris, they are still there.
I thought someone had cleared it while I was away.
Guess not.
Maybe I was just one of those dead hearts - stoned out.

But there must be a way out, and a day that I will be able to love infinitely.
After these 2 weeks, and I swear I can be better at this.
I will miss you so be safe too.

Shape Shift

2010-08-27T00:02:00.007+08:00

Concrete evidence of us being wasted on soju because we were too bored. We even headbanged to Angus and Julia Stone.
Everybody should feel this happy, everyday.

Fire Eyed Boy

2010-08-24T10:54:00.008+08:00

"Slow down fire eyed boy, the world will never be ready for you. Because you're different - in a special way"

"Is that a compliment?"

"You always seem to be walking so fast against the world, and yet I'm one that just wants to walk slower than anyone else."

"I will slow my pace for you or I'll carry you and show you the things I see in my pace."

I ___ you.

The Beginning After The End

2010-08-24T00:06:00.006+08:00

Time can't seem to decide itself to go fast or slow. and I miss you.
If only you knew fear was eating me alive cuz I don't know what I should do.

I'm scared, I'm confused about this.
Walls I've built didn't seem to be so high back then. Yet now when I try to look over it, I can't even see myself. Maybe I'm too complex.
But let's not think about it, let's not.
Let's just say I miss you so much and I can't wait to see you again.

Until We Bleed

2010-08-06T02:38:00.010+08:00

Late in the night, went back to that same place trying to look for answers that was no longer there. The same things went through my mind,
"Where the fuck have I done wrong?"
Embers eating off the cigarette as I take in a deep one.
There, I sent a smoke signal up to the sky.
I lingered on, feeling the same way all over again.

Surface Beneath

2010-08-02T00:28:00.011+08:00

I can't trust you, you, you and every other yous out there.
I don't want my problems, which I labeled it with my trust for you, to be a conversation starter to talk to with others.
I don't need another person, especially you, to burn my heart out.

Then again, what the fuck did I feed myself to put up with this for so long?
And now I can't even trust myself.

Today I will give myself the liberty to dispense all formalities and poetic expressive because all this mental shit is so racking. so, fuck you all seriously. Nothing but cunts, leeches and motherfucking chee byes.

Far Gone

2010-07-29T01:57:00.005+08:00

“I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing.”

— Neil Gaiman

Beer...more please...

Today

2010-07-24T01:26:00.008+08:00

Today = Few hours away from the studio for some annual report photo shoot at a location with awesome view of the CBD + exaggerating looking, fucking itchy rashes + that mindfucking film 'Inception' with Caleb.

In Transit

2010-07-21T00:08:00.007+08:00

The transition from day break to nightfall
The transition of an idea into product
The transition from being a student to the working world.
From starry eyes to sleepy eyes.
From something to nothing.
Half-filled to half empty.

Whether change is constant or not, I don't think I'll be able to regulate myself for a routine that runs this earth. On feel-good days without thoughts of pessimism, I would at least try to believe we are not here to survive but to live.

Day 2 at Internship and it's getting tense.
I hate to try.

Wildfire

2010-07-09T12:48:00.007+08:00

Right now I am currently waiting for my turn to present for crit for advertising campaign class.
My mind went extremely warped and I feel unstable so just want to write it all out hopefully calm my nerves. The insides of me can't stop quivering, just feels like I'm placed in a full force blizzard. You know, like someone disconnected the right wires in my brain and plug them back to the wrong sockets. The blood doesn't flow, throat is coming up and my stomach is running some kind of butterfly farm on its own. It's fucking insane. The anxiety is spreading like wildfire.

It all started at Eric's place. I slept a little while just now before we came school from his place cuz we were rushing for Ad Cam the entire night & I was so tired. I dreamt that I died 2 times, 3 times. I literally lost my heart, it kinda dropped out from my chest and I felt like I was dead inside. In between those frenzy moments when I was trying to find my heart , I saw/met all the people I've been thinking about lately. Conversations after conversations, faces after faces - some offered helping hands, some gave me hugs/kisses while others were simply passing people. And I clearly remember that there was someone that actually gave/donated his heart to me, but I dropped it along the way again cuz I didn't cherish it and continue to find something I already had.

Then I woke up at the peak of my fear immediately, grabbed my chest and let out a weighty breath. Not exactly relieved cuz I thought I was seriously dead & couldn't even figure out where I was for quite a while when I am clearly sitting up on the bed.

I can't think straight now and my head is spinning. Could someone please tell me what I should feel?

Dry

2010-07-07T02:11:00.006+08:00

The easy way out is always, to escape.
I don't want to think about anything.
The anxiety, the vileness, the breathless mind, the vacant space, the nothings.
Get my heart drunk infinitely and let the feet do the mindless dancing.
Everyday is party day.
I'll be okay.

When The Devil's Loose

2010-07-01T23:28:00.010+08:00

Last night was one of the happier days I had since forever.
I was happy because I had great fun, though i woke up this morning a little wrecked and drunk still.
I don't know how to explain myself. Like oh my fuck it wasn't me out there.
Though it was all temporal, I forgot about many things I had to worry about.
Perhaps I was upset for too long.
So so so long that I forgot what it was to be like to be happy for real.
How warped.

Where Is My Mind?

2010-06-21T00:15:00.004+08:00

Where? I think the dogs ate it up.

2010-06-15T00:36:00.002+08:00

thereeeeeeee izzz nothingzzzzzzz in myyyy lyfe , in myyyyy emprtyy heartzzzxxxxx, holllowwwww faaaace,,,,,, i wannnnnnnnn sinkkkkkkkk, sllllllideeeeeeezxxxzx spiraaaaaal fallllzz nummmmmmmbbbbbbbbbbb sorrrrrrrreeeeeeeeee~~~~~~~

theeeeeee tearrssss areeeee beriiiberriiii haevyyyyyy,,, i keeeeepppp draagiing buttttt nothingss moveeeessss,------

no onnnnnnnnneeee movvvvesm but ii...iiiiiiiiiiiiiii get hurtzxxxxxxzzzzzzzz lllllykeeee fuckkkkkkk
no oneee knowsssss, no wantttts to knowwwww meeeee....
you know oyu know?????!!!

thereee izzz no oneeeee, no oneeeee,,,
theeeee importannnceeeof nothingnessss, te importanceeeeee of remembarenceee...
thee onliiii reasonszz 4 being lurbbbeszzz..........goneeee pooooooof lyykke aa pieeece eee orffffffff fartttttt yuou o konow knowww... non noononoono uuuu ducnnchhh knowwwwww

You Met Me At A Very Strange Time In My LIfe

2010-06-14T18:04:00.004+08:00

Truth told, can't stop looping this scene of Fight Club in my mind.
Peace in the midst of chaos.
How poetic.

Love Me Jaded

2010-06-12T02:44:00.006+08:00

My, my, baby blue
(I'm talkin' 'bout you)
My,my,baby blue
(Yeah, been thinkin' 'bout you)
My, my, baby blue... See More
Yeah, you're so Jaded
Jaded
You're so Jaded
'Cause I'm the one that Jaded you

The love song of yesterday's child, it's still playing yet for a different reason this time.
She's always jaded.
Some things are just never meant to be.
But I still hope you'll know me someday, you beautiful stranger.

Ironies In An Irony

2010-06-08T23:31:00.029+08:00

Yet another night of naked truth + irony, served on a silver platter.
The naked anger at its best temperament, and it all started from something so trivial... something like doing the motherfucking dishes. And because of that, we didn't do our family prayer on the dining table tonight. Perhaps we didn't pray things right all these while.

Anyway first the 12 year old brat locked bedroom A's door, then 49 year old hag locked bedroom B's door. Me being the cool head tried to be the mediator, despite having to do the cursed pop up book for illustration which is not going to make it on doomsday - did the dishes in the end yet again and scored a bonus of being locked out of the bedroom.
Everytime when a fight breaks out at home, I will always be the one washing the dishes. Whether if it's out of responsibility, or just an excuse to get away from the din - I'll end up thinking about things. Just you know, things.

I don't know why my mum is so caught up with seeking perfection. They say the higher the expectations, the greater the disappointment and sure it did not prove otherwise.
Sometimes I wish I could tell her to stop trying so hard when you're so worn out. why try to find perfection in imperfections, why try to complete the incompleteness. Why try to go against the nature because all that's happening is a mighty possibility of God's big cosmic scam to make us realise we are not anything more than human? That we all need each other? You know, be like Tyler in Fight Club and let go of the steering wheel of the car, stop all the controlling shit. If we were meant to live it through even at the face of death, we will.

If there were no war, how would we learn to feel pain and not do it upon others? If there were no death, how then would we know truths about life? If we were all perfect, why would there ever be a need to depend on each other to fill in the gaps? To cover each others blanket when the night gets cold? To love?

As much as I may sound positive here, I still would very much like to say...
FUCK THE GOD DAMN WORLD.
it's just fucked, and I'm mindfucked.

Recovery Is Forever

2010-05-25T13:21:00.004+08:00

I wore your shirt last night to sleep in desperate attempt to find that familiar smell.
But it was long gone along with suds, water & time.
Then I found that ring which you used to soak in coke,
but it was long gone from its quondam glory - tarnished, rusted.
Yet, I can't remember what it used to feel like - the definite jaws, the steady hands, the ready chest, the marshmallow lips, the moles on your skin.

Alas, my heart was long gone - gone into the deep lands of melancholy hill.
What am I thinking, for a love that was long gone.
Tragic, what a tragic.

EwwEewwEewwEeww

2010-05-17T09:51:00.002+08:00

/edit
Epic win #2 of the day:

----------

Fuck food poisoning big time.

Pixels & Ink

2010-05-11T09:42:00.004+08:00

Yours truly is rather done with the damn it online portfolio for internship.
I know MagTheZag sounds very corny and juvenile, but it beats magdalene.co.nr hands down.
Like, it should sound catchy like bieber.

Side note, everything is still very much intensive.
More cigarettes please.

Phases

2010-05-09T00:09:00.007+08:00

But sometimes the thought of dying young, live the prime of life then give it all up - doesn't it sound so inviting? A phase you never want to get out of.

Roof On Fire

2010-05-01T03:06:00.004+08:00

"You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind."

心，覺得很痛。
有點裂痕，好像是不小心被人掉在地上。
但那又如何？

累了，真的累了。

Truth 101

2010-04-25T22:29:00.006+08:00

Trust was never a word to be tampered with.
Countless years of trust falls, yet my back is still eating dust off the floor.
I was supposed to be done for long time ago.
If that is how people function and all these shit & mindfucks hurts me so bad, i'd rather die alone.

Or how about another idiotic manner to put it, I never should have existed - NEVER.

Signal Fire

2010-04-17T15:54:00.006+08:00

"I could be stuck here for a thousand years without your arms to drag me out."

Camps are always so draining and the aftermath always makes me feel unprepared for school to begin. But now that camp has already become one of the things in my 'past folder', I shall make no more excuses for preparing my portfolio for internship interviews.

Maybe be a happy bubble around everyone too.

Where Is The Rabbit?

2010-04-12T01:05:00.004+08:00

Spiraling down a deep dark burrow, fleeting hearts and loveless mind.
I cannot be the person I'm not. I feel what I feel.
I ain't no Alice.

But I deserve no saving grace either.

Blue's the Clue

2010-04-12T00:07:00.002+08:00

Genius

2010-04-04T01:19:00.007+08:00

Very..nice. Yum yum yum.

This is Kid A.

2010-04-03T20:18:00.009+08:00

Hi everyone, my name is 'Dispensable'.
The friend you can trust on to use, throw and recycle!
I have no tags on me that says I require special care and exclusivity.
The best part? I'll still be there at your service with a great big smile on my face and flowers in my hands the very next day even though you might not be able to recognize me!

I'm just not able to see things with a wider magnanimity and I just suck alright?
This long weekend is just me, my obscure discontent and Fight Club.

Castle Builders

2010-03-28T03:21:00.006+08:00

A new dream enters, as the old one fleets.
Here's a toast to all Alphas & Omegas (beginning and the end) - even though my heart does not want to obey.

Again & Again

2010-03-12T02:22:00.006+08:00

I hate that face, that emotion on it. It makes me feel powerless.
The only thing I can do is to eat bar chor mee at the coffeeshop at 2 in the morning with you, listening to your tiredness clouding every word that comes. I can't tell you when's the time we'll pull through cuz even when I tell myself every single time that we will, it was just the tip of an iceberg we're at - melting slow and helplessly.

Listening to cantonese gospel on the discman with you dad right now, I just hope you find comfort in the Lord even if it's temporal. At least you're smiling and that's all that matters to me.

On a side note, I want IP and my eyebagz to be gone.

Stranger Than Fiction

2010-03-04T23:09:00.008+08:00

Hi, hey, hello.
Which one sounds more apt for the first time?
Then again, you're just a familiar stranger that happens to walk right in to my heart and then walk right out of it within the split seconds I see you every other day - and you don't even know me.

I like you, but I guess I'm in need for a cosmic happenstance right now or else I will be combusted and have no choice but to say farewell.

Retreat! Retreat?!

2010-02-28T23:11:00.011+08:00

Goodbye 65dos, I just killed myself.

(Nice Dream)

2010-02-27T00:17:00.004+08:00

I cannot feel, I don't want to feel.
My heart just want to burst into a million thousand bits and pieces of nothings.
Combust, and burn burn burn.

Right now i'm just going to watch a little tv, then hit my head into the pillow - Hopefully to never find my way back to reality.

Hello Skinny Love

2010-02-26T01:00:00.006+08:00

Just want you to save yourself at this point of time. Those heartless beasts out there will only tear you into pieces if you protect them again.

Engulf Me

2010-02-21T01:42:00.003+08:00

All I want to do now is to take the window seat on the bus at midnight looping this song, and let it drive me through all the streets I've seen and been in my entire life. Stare at every passing street lamps and neon lights until the last one burns out.

Then I know it's time for me to die in a beautiful mess, completely naked and cold.
Come as you were, die as you will.

Heartbreak Warfare

2010-02-17T00:58:00.003+08:00

I can't do my work. Almost zero concentration and heart for the presentation tomorrow.
Because there is war taking place in the kitchen right now. Sometimes I just wish the white flag would be waved, but too bad it's not our war to lose.

Dripping Wax

2010-02-15T04:20:00.004+08:00

Late Night/Early Dawn now,

The same conversation goes on from the table top to the back of our heads in the pillows. Loopholes interlocking the spine that carries your back, do you even realize how ridiculous all these tales are? Those facts you articulate, seriously is your mind woven up with maggots? How many nymphs do you intend to grow in your bloody infested mind before you realise that we're none like the Gods but only humans (living with contradictions too) trying hard to love you like we should.

You, fucked us up.
But you, never even bother to waste a minute of your time to see for yourself how perishable we are or mend a single thing you send crashing to the floor.

We'll just wait out for the world to end. That will be the day all sadness ends.

I am going to get a box of candles soon, and drip wax all over my skin.

Hysteria

2010-02-04T01:49:00.002+08:00

Mindfucked, I die with no regrets.
You're ace man, Muse. The concert experience pwned Death Cab's ass I swear, sorry.
Will upload photos later alligators.

Sing For Absolution

2010-02-02T23:44:00.006+08:00

I made my parents upset, and that makes me upset.
I want them to know that I have not changed a single bit; maybe just being selfish now to make up for my selfless moments.
Back to my therapeutic dish washing.

Linger

2010-01-17T04:42:00.001+08:00

" i close my eyes and i let my body shut itself down and i let my mind wander. it wanders to a familiar place. a place i don’t talk about or acknowledge exists.
a place where there is only me. a place that i hate. i am alone. alone here and alone in the world. alone in my heart and alone in my mind.
alone everywhere, all the time, for as long as i can remember. alone with my family, alone with my friends, alone in a room full of people. alone when i wake, alone through each awful day.

i don’t want to be alone. i have never wanted to be alone. i fucking hate it. i hate that i have no one to talk to, i hate that i have no one to call, i hate that i have no one to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everything is going to be all right. i hate that i have no one to share my hopes and dreams with, i hate that i no longer have any hopes or dreams, i hate that i have no one to tell me to hold on, that i can find them again. i hate that when i scream, that i am screaming into emptiness. i hate that there is no one to hear my scream and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming… more than anything, all i have ever wanted is to be close to someone. more than anything, all i have ever wanted is to feel as if i wasn’t alone."

-somewhere from tumblr

Pity And Fear

2010-01-09T01:07:00.009+08:00

1:07am. It should be dead silent at a typical hospital ward.
But no, it isn't at the one I am sitting in right now.

It's been a long week for my entire family and I don't think I wanna make explanations for everything that has happened. My sister's sound asleep on the hospital bed beside me while I am up completing my overdue assignments. My first night at a hospital, keeping her company till the dawn breaks. Her weak body broke up the pace of her breathing into slow ones, but she's kinda fine right now.

Sounds coming from everywhere and every possible corners keep disrupting my train of thoughts and concentration. The sound of the kid on the left side bed gagging phlegm and blood from the lungs, the sound of the infant on the right side cot coughing and crying like there's no end. Constant beeps from a hundred machines attached to each little poor souls in the entire ward echoes through the dim corridors while I hear footsteps of nurses doing their rounds.

Moments like these, makes my heart weep.

This Modern Love

2010-01-03T22:18:00.004+08:00

Hey yo bloc party, tonight your sound is my thirst.
Block the right spots and arteries, block the riots in the bloody mind. Block them all, block them all. I might as well just sink into it and never be found in a state of mind like this. For a long time, I said out. I fucking said I want out.

But no one heard. They thought I was bullshit.
Still I am going to put on my dancing shoes not withstanding the half bled scabs on my knees and sham a merry show, for this is what the world would want of me. All these great expectations, it's like drinking poison eating glass - spit.

Rule My World

2010-01-02T00:33:00.013+08:00

I will never forget the days of yesteryear.
I won't even mention about the wretchedness 2009 offered. The point is I've made myself very happy for the last 10 days before it came to a closure. Yes, closure is the word. It was the happiest I had in 2009 and it kinda left me breathless. Beautiful people, even a word of thanks wouldn't suffice.

Last night I spent the night working at a gay clubbing event. High like on acid, we were acting like frivolous people with all the free vodka. I hugged a really hot gay with defined features over the ice bar top when the clock struck. Exchanged new year wishes, danced, laughed, hugged, kissed with the loved & new found friends. We were so drunk working and packing up things after that. It ended perfectly. Even the first breakfast of the year was surreal - Maxwell and it's magical old school food. What's not to love?

Coming home after that in the morning was another thing, but I don't really want to talk about it right now. I'll say 'Let it be'.

All I really want for the new year is happiness and a pair of tickets to Kings Of Convenience WHICH IS FUCKING SOLD OUT LOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGG TIME AGO. Nothing really matters as for this moment.
2010, bro fist man. Let's give it a good one.

Stay Together

2009-12-26T20:14:00.004+08:00

Things aren't going well as I've made them up to be.
i'm just pretending, so are my parents.

we are a family full of pretense.
one of these days, the walls are going to fall.
and the debris from the fall are going to pierce through our thin dry skin, saw through our fatigued bones - then we will bleed to death from the busted veins.

Late Patterns Of Winter

2009-12-25T15:56:00.004+08:00

HHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA, MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL!
It's my season to be jolly. (:

Veins, Flesh, Blood

2009-12-23T00:19:00.004+08:00

('The Christmas Orgy' with JengJengJengs last weekend)

Just got back from orientation training camp.
Needless to say I'm one tired dog. My throat feels raw from all the heavy cigarettes, it's so annoying. This year's programmers were awesome and I loved almost everyone.

I was just thinking, people makes me a person I despise to be. I had greater expectations for this character I'm living in everyday. I-disgust-myself.

(radiohead: I'm better off dead....... I'm better off dead.........)

'Bish!'

2009-12-17T00:44:00.002+08:00

No love, no more
lovers making up, breaking up
why do you care

2009-12-10T14:23:00.003+08:00

I think i just killed a chick.

I was cooking lunch minutes ago and cracked one of the eggs I randomly pick from the basket into the noodles in the pan. Grey fluid came out and there were white and black little pieces on the noodles. The smell was so revolting that it nearly made me barfed. I threw away the noodles and still very traumatised by the smell and the fact that I might have killed a chick.

fuck sia, I can still smell it in my brains.

Use Somebody

2009-11-28T03:43:00.008+08:00

Things has been raging through the doors lately. I pretty much want it to slow down a little, it's like I've never been able to stop running on a treadmill. I just don't know how.

Sometimes I can't decide if it's better to lock up those raw feelings to your heart. I rather talk to secret spaces, you know? Your heart just comes to a juncture whereby you just can't explain all the nature of how things flow and what is this 'sense' you've been knocking around for. There's no concrete figures or science to prove to you otherwise. And and and this unknown conscience keeps asking you to account it to others or someone, you just can't fucking understand why you have to explain so much. It's not like anyone can be in your own shoes better than yourself.

Perhaps, these words are left to be untold.
And one day these words might all evaporate like nothing has happened.

And I would very truly like to hear the sounds of those crashing waves by the breakwater again soon. I just haven't done it for a very long while, it's just a sudden need.

Solodance

2009-11-20T02:41:00.003+08:00

School is pure mental torture.
And so are people - pure mental fixes that feeds on emotions.

This is not the life that I ordered, but fuck it. Perhaps I'm just too exhausted and I need to let it out.

Edge of Desire

2009-11-14T14:06:00.006+08:00

Finally, the wait is over! Yet another perfect-for-every-moment-songs-with-lyrics-that-seems-to-be-written-for- you album. John Mayer, you're ace man.

Now won't you please come to Singapore like the rest of the other music mans that are flocking in next year? The internet says that you play 10 times better live than you sound on the record, so please come on.

Cult Of Romance Pt. 1

2009-11-09T02:06:00.003+08:00

Cute sia daddy, know how to use wacom tablet and ask me go bathe all.
^^

I'm A Terrible Person

2009-11-02T22:11:00.007+08:00

The blog title pretty much sums up what I am made of. I've spent too much time swimming amongst my thoughts, sieving through agendas after agendas only to be found awakened by my own disability in reality. I lie too many times to myself that I am built to last and that hate will be distant. But I can't help to feel minute when the sky crashes great thunders, mocking at my vapid attempts to go against fate and nature. We all deserve more than a just break from these truths but less of a cruel death.

And so I will continue my vilest days yet, while dreaming for a direction that will float us to better lands.
My mind will live to be a riot as my hands are unwilling to reach for my assignments right at this very moment. Too distracted/unproductive, so as they would say.

Cornerstone

2009-10-30T03:12:00.005+08:00

Even though I'm 10 days late, thanks.

I really needed a lift from spirits.

See you soon my love, when we are less damned by school.

Just haven't been myself lately. I owe myself an explanation.

The Walls Of The Deepest Blue

2009-10-17T00:46:00.005+08:00

                         
"11909.) I feel like I've seen enough.                        

In feeling so incomplete, I’ve become complete. I do anything I can to ruin myself, what I care about, because even when I hit rock bottom, it wasn’t enough.
I don’t know what the next step is, I’m stuck here."
/blogsecrets

Reason To Believe

2009-10-13T21:09:00.004+08:00

No, this is not a losing battle.
Don't call it quits yet.
I will be the pillar, Dad and I will protect you under this roof.
Mun Mun will wipe your tears
Just don't leave us, don't leave me.

Please.

Fix You

2009-10-12T00:04:00.008+08:00

The heavier the weights on my shoulder, the more invincible I'm going to get.
We'll whisper the loudest prayer and and we're going to pull through.
It's just a matter of time.
Bring on the faith, we're not going to crumble just like this. Remember, I will hold all those tears up.

Intervention

2009-09-29T22:35:00.005+08:00

Roar in the sea of people, basking in happy sweat.
Dance in twilight and lose yourself.
There's no need to recall the past, present, future.
Our hearts will not turn colder, even if summer is turning into dust.
We will live and let die.

I'm feeling festive, and glastonbury must happen before I die.

/edit

I am asian fan-girl man.
I am so addicted to Super Juniors on youtube now. Thanks ar hwei shyan.
13 faces, it's really hard to remember all their names. zzz....

The Green Leaves of Autumn

2009-09-23T18:40:00.006+08:00

(Cemetery with Zhou to visit my ah ma)

Went to the lawn cemetery with Zhou at 8am to visit my grandparents yesterday, armed with Fried bee hoon and a 1litre bottle of Pokka green tea. And later, Inglourious Basterds.
It was...eccentrically peaceful.

Life is all well, or at least I am trying to keep it well under wraps.

Prove Yourself

2009-09-14T23:22:00.005+08:00

I am still trying to prove myself in this place. I am not a failure.
What more do you want from me? Am I not trying hard enough?
I don't wanna hear whatever you have to say about me. Cuz it's bullshit.
It's all fucking bullshit. You guys just want to drive me to hell.

(I need help, again.)

I Want To Be The WALRUS!

2009-09-10T14:10:00.003+08:00

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE THIS IS MINDFUCK!!!!!!
I WANT AN XBOX AND THIS TO DROP FROM THE SKY!!!!!

~~~lucy in the sky with diamondssssssssssssssss........

The Thing About Love

2009-09-10T01:16:00.009+08:00

09/09.
This date speaks so much.

Four years ago on this day was the beginning of a teenage love affair with all the magic and fairy dust. I will never ever forget that day. The year after was even better. A handmade scrapbook with photos of sunsets sunrise and handwritten poem, lyrics and a love note that could sweep any girls heart away. Love was so young and tender, who can defy? My heart was at its best.

Flawless indeed, until I was left behind.

Fast forward the tape and I am still a mess inside out. Negligence, unloved and all what nots - I really had my unjustifiable share from people who should read me like a book, yet not the least bothered. Every night I feel so vile as I whisper how my days are numbered. Then I pray for happiness for the love ones.

090909, 11pm. 3 monkeys from zpgy appeared at my doorsteps and caught me braless with a pink salon clip on my fringe, with a Mcdonalds Happy Meal. I never had a Happy Meal when I was a kid before.

And the whole group of them made this:

(tagged in the video: ying ying, jia hui, eric, sui min, zhou)

The 3 monkeys made me watch it on facebook after I sent them off on their last bus home. I cried.

It was the best 18th birthday present ever, even if we never made it to Mambo tonight.

Thank you zpgy for making me happy tonight, and we will be happy for the rest of the days that we will be together. (L)

/edit: I thought it over sleep. If I ever see him again, I think I might just kill him.

aimfine

2009-09-09T03:45:00.003+08:00

i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i amfine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i ame fine i i aim fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i amfine i amfiine ia m fine i am fine i am fine i am fine fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fucking fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i am iine iam fine i amfine i amfine i amfine i amfine iamfine i am ifine i amifine i am fine i am fine aimfin e iamfine i amfine aifmie ia mfine i amifine iam fine i amifine iam fine i amfine. i am fine.

9/9/9 is everlasting, is love.
My world is falling apart.

2009-09-07T23:40:00.002+08:00

My parents wanna take away my allowance cuz I'm on holiday.
Mad, I am mad.

Be Still, My Heart

2009-09-02T14:19:00.002+08:00

Footsteps

2009-08-29T02:41:00.003+08:00

A night of revelation, a night of conscience.
I have never seen my mum drop such heavy tears before.
I have never seen my dad heave such weighty sigh before.
And I, I just don't know what I should do to make it all better.

Like Passionate Sleepers

2009-08-26T19:11:00.005+08:00

Zhou, your eyes are like the begonia skies and my beard grows down to the floor.
This cover cute like one mother, but the animal heads like trend whore.

Like, Agree?
And recently I've been uploading a bit too much youtube here. Hahaha, just realized.

Celebration Guns

2009-08-23T22:13:00.012+08:00

The Dad Day Out. Happy Birthday...

Good Times Gonna Come, then Roll Away

2009-08-23T02:31:00.012+08:00

(Final Submission: Web Design for a fictional retail online store & Packaging for f&n energy drink + food bar promo pack)

Finally Semester 1 is over. I swear it was so fucked up this whole week in school. Never ever in my life have I felt so programmed, like a machine. Senses could just go off and come back in a split second and thank God for these seconds to remind me that I'm still a creature with an exhausted soul.
Now that it's all over and (pessimistically) done, I shall ride on the waves to 2 months of nothings and freedom. I somehow hate it, cuz I hate endless waits for calls from the string of interviews I went to, to gladly inform me that I am hired. I need to be hired, I need the money. I am still not hired, and I still need the money.

Then after that I will start THE MAJORS, Illustration. Don't know if I made the clever choice now that I see the future bleaker than ever. I neither have the gift nor skills, why the hell am I in design.

I like the rain now, the sound of it pitter pattering. And yes my friend, the mellow thunder. Peaceful just as it should have been to mark an end for a new beginning.

The world's at war, so's my heart.

/edit

This is true blue avant-garde.

Sex Bomb

2009-08-18T23:54:00.009+08:00

I have shrewd brows. I am sex bomb, heh.

Time is Lion

2009-08-13T13:18:00.005+08:00

Fuck Web Design.
Fuck Packaging Design.
Fuck My Life.

/edit

. Ma boiled me some liang teh, cuz I've been drinking my 2 nights old 'Tie Guan Yin' tea since the time I've been rushing assignments few nights back.

. I ate a truck of chocolate and black forest for endorphins too.

. Wishes to 19 years old Caleb, see you soon.

Love In The First Degree

2009-08-11T22:57:00.003+08:00

I want all my bridesmaids, groomsman, maid of honour, best man, mother, father to dance to this for my Wedding entrance!

Live to Love, Love to live

2009-08-02T00:01:00.004+08:00

(inserts feelings + memories + the good & bad here)

Minds and Perspectives at different grounds.
When the bridges fall apart, who will take the fall together?

This is stranger than reality.

/+

“ Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over. ”

credits to whoever

Rocket Man

2009-08-01T04:16:00.003+08:00

licking the blood from your paw
you break the skin but continue to gnaw
bone will be soon whats left of your sleeve
bareness is what you try to achieve sooner or later you reach your goal
a skeleton only and lacking a soul
you hover around town,
feeling alone no one responds to groans and moans
there must be someone else out there for you
the only question there is - who? you’re a monster,
even on the inside the alluring charm you had,
seems to of died.