Figs & Foes, For the Lovers

Mundane, Boring, Stagnant, Jaded, Monotonous, Routine, Apathetic.
Why does everything feel so pointless?

I had high hopes for this semester, considering that I did rather well in certain assignments. I wanted my GPA to be better. I told myself I need to. Spent the last year draining myself out with unnecessary thoughts, trying to get life back into perspective. Sometimes I really question myself what am I trying to pursue? Who am I trying to please or do all these things for? For whom to see? In a stage of self denial and pity, it is impossible to see what's beyond. I whine about how tired I am all the time, but who can truly empathize this dread I'm feeling? The impact is so strong I can't even feel my knees when I try so bloody hard to stand up and make a point. Every single day, the question marks in my brain just keep on adding its weight as if I am superman.

Friends, I know I am a extremely weird character to deal with. I know I am fucked up and I fuck up everyone else around me. I'm just gonna lose whatever I have even if I've learnt to be grateful.
I train so hard for Muay Thai so that I can gain some confidence, so that I know I can be something better. Perhaps shed some weight to make myself feel prettier, be more aggressive in dealing with emotions or just be some slut and hook up some guy. -.- I needed to feel and be better. Someone told me recently that I had ZERO-CONFIDENCE, to her. I admitted defeatedly with no hesitance though. You touch me and I will burst, I'm that fragile. Sometimes I really need someone to be more gentle towards me. Whoever, I just wanna feel protected. Stroke lightly on my head, give me a tight hug and say everything is fine. Or just call me up on random occasions just to ask me how am I feeling today. It would be the best assurance anyone can give, even if we're just acquaintances and don't talk much.

I don't know what the hell am I trying to drive here, it's just things that I wanna get it off my chest. So there's no order in the thoughts. I just type whatever that comes to the mind.

Hardcore muay thai training tmr, Instructor says I need to lose 5kg. I am aiming for within six weeks to lose part of the weight. I guess it's the only thing that keeps me and my energy level going. 70km a week, sounds good? I hope I am that motivated to keep up.

Okay, good night!
All smile and no tears.

Hey, I haven't seen you around cos I know you're extremely busy with your friends, studies and band stuffs. Good luck for all the tests and exams alright? You can do it! The same old parting words from me; See you soon my friend. Cos friends do stuff like that.